For friends invited to a burial at sea: what to wear, when to arrive, what to bring, phone etiquette, and how to support the family through the day.
Being invited to a burial at sea is a sign of trust. The group is usually small, and the family has chosen the people they want close. If you have never been to one, it helps to know what to expect, so you can be present for them rather than worried about yourself.
Dress in layers, with flat, closed-toe shoes that grip a wet deck. It is often cooler offshore than at the dock; the full guide to what to wear covers the details. Bring sunscreen and sunglasses. If you tend toward motion sickness, ask your doctor or pharmacist ahead of time about what is right for you.
Guests gather about 20 minutes before departure at the marina at the Sheraton San Diego Hotel & Marina on Harbor Island. Arriving early gives the family one less thing to wonder about. If you have any trouble with steps or balance, call ahead and the crew will talk through boarding.
Bring very little. If the family has asked guests to bring something, such as a few flowers, a short reading, or a memory to share, bring that. Flowers should be natural and free of plastic, wire, and ribbon. Leave gifts for another day; the family will have their hands full.
Silence your phone before boarding. Ask the family before taking any photographs, and do not post anything from the day unless they say it is welcome. Some families appoint one person to take pictures so everyone else can simply be there. If the family wants music, they will have it ready on their own device.
Follow the family's lead. Some want to talk on the way out; some want to sit quietly at the rail. Stand near them without crowding. If you are asked to help with petals or to hold something during the release, do it simply. When the moment comes, let the people closest to the person go first.
What to say can be very short: "I'm so glad I could be here." "I loved her laugh." "I'm thinking of you." A specific memory is a gift. Avoid explaining the loss, comparing it to your own, or telling anyone how they should feel. "Let me know if you need anything" is kind, but an offer with a day attached, such as bringing dinner next week, is easier to accept.
You do not need to get anything exactly right. Being there, and staying steady, is what the family asked of you.