Most people have some sense of what they would want at the end, and very few have said it out loud. The conversation can feel heavy before it starts. Once it begins, many families find it is quieter and kinder than they feared, and that the person they love is relieved to be asked.
There is no perfect time, but some moments are easier than others. A long drive, a walk, an afternoon looking through old photographs, or the weeks after someone else's funeral can all open a natural door. Avoid holidays crowded with relatives, and avoid a hospital room if you can talk sooner. Choose a time when neither of you is rushed.
Start with your own reason for asking. "I want to be sure I get it right for you someday" is honest and hard to refuse. You can also begin with a story: a service you attended, something they said once about the ocean, a place they love. Let them set the pace. If they change the subject, let it go for now and return another day. One conversation rarely covers everything.
You do not need answers to all of them. Even one clear answer, "I want to go back to the sea," can spare a family weeks of uncertainty later.
When the conversation is over, write down what was said, in their words where you can, and date it. Share it with whoever will be making arrangements, and keep a copy with other important papers. If they are working with an estate attorney, the wishes can be noted there too; our page on recording a burial location in an estate plan explains why that record matters later. If music or readings came up, the guides to music and preparing remarks may help when the time comes.
Asking is an act of love, and so is answering. Take it slowly, and come back to it as often as you need.